House of Deej

It still doesn't seem quite real to me that Led isn't going to be there for me the way he was for so very long.

For the first few days I cried every time I thought of him, but for the past two days I haven't cried. I'm doing okay.

All kinds of odd things have gone through my mind.

I think we all have similar thoughts when we lose someone we love. We fret over things left unsaid. We moan over things we wish we hadn't said or done. Shit, the last word I actually texted to him was "die". Go figure! Granted, I wasn't telling him to die; I simply texted "crap, my battery is about to die" - even so, the irony of it all didn't escape me.

I've been angry with him. He promised he'd always be there. He isn't. I know this because I call his cell each day just to hear his voice. Perhaps the finality of it all will sink in when the phone is disconnected and I get a recording saying the number is no more. Until then, I shall call just to have that bit of connection.

I've come to realize that I'm being incredibly selfish. I'm thinking of his death in terms of "what will I do without him in my life?" Sheesh, I have made this all about me. The reality of the situation is that I should be sad for him and not for me. I think grief tends to be that way for most people though. We are sad for ourselves because losing that someone takes them away from us. It's the survivors that are feeling lonely - it's not the one that's gone.

Even though I hadn't talked to him right before he died, he knew I loved him. I know he did. I believe that deep in my heart.

I also believe he didn't know or sense how close he was to dying. I've heard over and over from people how their loved one just "knew". I really think he just went to sleep that night and didn't wake up in the morning. I don't think he felt shitty and suspected that was his last night or that the end was nearing. I believe he'd have called me to say good-bye if that were the case. He wouldn't have just bailed from this planet on me.

I do believe his spirit, his presence, or whatever is here and always will be around me. He may not physically be here to kick my ass when I act like an idiot, but the essence of him is here. I can hear his voice in my head giving me encouragement.

I'm still finding the hardest part is that I can't just pick up the phone any time I want to talk to him. I think that will bother me for a very long time.

In the meantime, I am finding myself smiling when those memories of him hit me by surprise. It's okay. I miss him, but I will be okay. The world will keep spinning and as long as he's in my heart, he's going to be spinning on it with me.

Peace