House of Deej
August 13, 2008
Some People
News flash – there are idiots among us.
Remember a long while ago when I mentioned my son’s wedding? Here’s how things have progressed thus far.
The kids decided they wanted a small, intimate family wedding among the gardens in my yard. Last spring I started really going bonkers to make sure everything was going to be glorious; I wanted their day to be wonderful.
The bride’s mother, K, then fired off her guest list and this “small” wedding was suddenly up to 150 guests. This just isn’t a possibility for my yard. There isn’t enough room to park that many cars, I only have two bathrooms, I would have to rent tents, chairs, and all that jazz. The kids, my hub (A), and I sat down and decided it would be best to move it to a gorgeous park nearby. From there, we would have a reception at a local place in town.
The kids were tickled by this and we went on to planning food and all the rest. I know my son’s fiancé’s family isn’t rolling in the bucks, so we offered to help pay for things. I realize that tradition says the bride’s family pays, but we can afford to help out. Nothing Ms. Fiancé was picking out was expensive; things were simple, but classy. All was right with the world.
Suddenly, the wedding was being called off by the kids. The fiancé’s family announced they couldn’t afford to pay for anything other than the decorations. A and I stepped in and said we’d pay for the dinner, the clergy, the park rental, the reception building rental, the linen, the music, etc. We wanted the kids to have a nice wedding.
Within a couple of days Ms. Fiancé called me with a new issue. Her mother told her that some people may not be able to afford to buy drinks if we have a cash bar AND it is the groom’s family’s responsibility to buy a keg for the reception. I was stunned. Excuse me? It would seem all “tradition” went out the window when they stepped back and had the groom’s family paying for almost everything!
To have any alcohol served at the reception involves me putting it on my homeowner’s insurance which means a rise in rates for the month. Additionally, I have to hire a cop to be there the entire time and contract with one of three bars to bring in and serve the booze. To me it was a no-brainer. After checking with the kids, I decided to have a dry reception. We are serving coffee and punch.
Meanwhile Ms. Fiancé’s mom was scrounging through rummage sales buying “decorations”. I saw them today; we’re using them, but adding wee bits to try to dress them up a bit. I don’t want to step on toes and I don’t want Ms. Fiancé stuck in a rough spot with her mom.
A few days ago Ms. Fiancé told me she was having difficulty saying no to her mom who now was demanding we also host a dance and have a bar. I asked Ms. Fiancé if this is what SHE wanted, and she said no, but her mom was being insistent. Argh! I told Ms. Fiancé it was time that I talked to her mom and explained the financial situation to her. God, I am leaving out so much – but suffice it to say, these people seem to think I have unlimited funds to spend so they can entertain all these people they are inviting!
This morning I met with the caterer. Thank goodness I have known this person for years. K, the mom, lives 120 miles away – last week she “just happened” to be in the small town where we live and decided to stop by and check things out herself.
First she and her hubby crashed a wedding reception that was going on at the place where we are holding the kids’ reception. They went in, went to the bar, and asked the bartender how they go about getting beer at their daughter’s wedding reception. The bartender is a previous student of mine, and he sent them off with the name of the caterer who is just down the street.
From there they went to the caterer’s place and asked about beer. He told them I’d only requested punch and coffee; they said there had to be beer there and looked into booking that as well – all on my dime. Then they complained about the menu Ms. Fiancé and I chose. They wanted it changed to something more expensive – again on my dime. He told them he wouldn’t change anything until he spoke to me, and let them know he was meeting with me on Wednesday morning.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Who the hell are these people? I could see if I’d met them before and had been mean, snotty, bitchy, horrible, etc. No, I have NEVER met them and NEVER even spoken to them. Instead of calling me with concerns or suggestions or anything else, they are scampering around behind my back spending my money!
Can they afford to help out? You tell me. They have a very nice home, a boat, a lake house, four-wheelers, and snowmobiles. I’m thinking they could kick in a couple hundred bucks if not more. In the meantime, I cancelled two summer trips am putting off some dental work and am scrambling to make sure everything is nice for the kids AND within my budget.
I am furious beyond belief.
I’m proud of myself for NOT taking this out on Ms. Fiancé and telling her that her family is made up of first class jerks. It’s not her fault and they have treated her like shit all her life. They do nothing for her, spend very little time with her, and couldn’t be bothered to come see her when she was in the intensive care unit for a week a few years back. It’s not her fault they are like this; she loves them and so wants to be loved by them. It’s really very sad.
K never called me – surprise surprise. Tonight was the night she said she’d call to discuss wedding plans. I think my sister-in-law hit the nail on the head when she said it seems they want to have some splashy wedding to show off for their friends and family. After all, it’s not like they have to tell anyone they are barely doing a thing to put it together – most will assume the bride’s family did the wedding.
I practiced my diplomatic, nicely sweet little discussion with her in my head all evening. I was ready to be nice, but firm when I let her know that I wouldn’t take on the responsibility of booze at the reception. My suggestion was going to be that they reserve the place, put it all in their name, pay for it, and I’d still pay for everything else and the food – the food that Ms. Fiancé and I already selected.
Nothing – no call!
Argh!
What to do, what to do? I am trying so hard to walk a fine line here and make sure the day is wonderful for the kids. I don’t want squabbles between families to ruin things for them. Even so, I really want to plant my fist between the woman’s eyes.
Whatcha thing, blogger buddies? Shall I smack her or remain sweetly serene when I finally meet the wench?
Peace
*whispers* If you’re still with me, thanks for taking the time to read this long long entry. I am just soooooooooooooo frustrated with all this right now!
posted by DeeJay at 11:33
17 Comments:
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I dunno Deeji, If it was on my dime, I'd stay with your decisions, and if they want something elaborate, they'll have to pull the money outta their ass if need be. Poor Ms.F though, maybe she can just woman up and tell her ma to back off a bit. I hope ya get it resolved, and everyone is happy. Dry receptions sound great too. :)
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My daughters wedding almost drove me completely insane. We decided on no booze also, The cost is outrageous. I was so glad when it was all over. Everything went smoothly..as for your situation..she wouldn't be ordering up on my dime..I'm just saying. lol *smack her * hehe
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Oh jeez, what a mess! This is why I intend to never get married, heh. So much fuss! ARGH!
I think you have two choices here - say nothing to her and carry on paying for everything because you're too nice and kind and polite to do any different, or lay down the line. Be kind, but firm. If she doesn't call you, then you call her - sounds like she's maybe avoiding the issue because she knows the risk of you saying 'hey, hang on...'. Just tell her something like, 'look, I'll pay for everything the kids want and are happy with. Anything YOU want, YOU pay for.'
I think that's more than fair.
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Seems to me that the people who pay for it have the final decision. So if those people (who want to show of) pay for the extras then let them have it, otherwise it's your decision. Afterall it's easy to be the big spender with somebodies else money.
Like all the other i would say to call her, be nice but firm. With other words, you just have to tell her to "chip in or butt out".
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*slaps Welsh heartily on the back and hands her a beer*
I don't think it has to be between either punching her in the face (however much she deserves it) or being walked all over.
There's nothing wrong with having boundaries.
Your view on this is ABSOLUTELY reasonable. Rest assured that you are completely right to be a bit grrr about this situation; that you are well within your rights to say "Actually, no, I'm not paying for _____ or _____" .
What's the worst thing that can happen if you put your foot down? YOU'RE not going to be the one to "ruin" the day for the kids. They know you have their wishes at heart. If - worst case scenario - the in-law kicks up a stink when you tactfully but firmly lay down the line, that's beyond your control. The kids will know that you're not the one to blame for the dust-up.
Whatever happens, remain gracious. Don't lose your head. People like that love antagonising gracious people until they snap.
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If it were me, I'd be calling the mother of the bride and telling her that if she wants booze for HER guests, SHE has to find a way to pay for it. Not your guests, not your plan, not your responsibility. You've already changed the plan how many times to accommodate her?
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So...are the s**tload of guests that Momzilla requested still on the list? Maybe, since you're footing most of the bill, you and Ms Fiancee can go over all the details and finalize everything, including the number of guests. I agree that, since the bulk of the financial burden is falling on your shoulders, you (and not M-zilla) have the right to the final say (with Ms F, of course). I guess you could be diplomatic...although it would be much more fun if you just kicked Momzilla in the nuts.
So sayeth the guy dancing with the Vicodin Fairy...
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Personally, I'd scrap all of K's plans. The only reason the wedding is the way it is is because she wants more people there. The BRIDE AND GROOM wanted something small and simple that you could accommodate in your yard. If it's not too late, trim back the catering, cancel the park and get back to the original plan, telling little miss snooty-bitch things were getting out of hand and if she wants something bigger, she can renew her own vows and do it then. "This is not your day." She'll either get all pissy and decide she's not coming (which will be her own fault and probably for the best in the end) or, more likely, she'll turn up and grumble and show everyone what cantankerous cow she is.
Of course, if nothing can be done about how things are currently going forward, then you'll just have to tell her it's happening as is and if she wants more, she'll have to foot the bill.
She sounds like a spoiled brat who needs telling how it is.
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I'm sure you've taken all the good advice from others to heart, so I will simply relate a small tale from my own wedding.
Styles and I wanted a smallish wedding and a simple reception, for food we wanted subs and salads, then my Da started talking about wanting a hot dish or two, he felt it was wrong to have a reception and serve only "sandwiches and chips" as he put it, I had to politely thank him for wanting to spend more money but say NO, subs and salads it is, we compromised and had one pan of hot meatballs so people could make a meatball sub if they wanted.
the moral of this tale being parents almost always want more of a to-do than the kids do, you just happen to be in a situation where the parent wanting more isn't spending her own money.
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Go with your decision - tell her that if she wants alcohol that's fine but they have to pay for it and the security etc it would involve as you've now reached your budget. Be firm and calm - it's completely outrageous that they go behind your back. When I had my second wedding my daughter's then boyfriend ordered a round of drinks for everyone - I thought it was very generous till I found out he'd done it on MY tab - grrrrrr! It still makes me mad to think about it ha ha!
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When my son got married, it was a nightmare...
His future brides family wouldn't cooperate with me on anything. The kids lived in another state, so it was up to me and her parents to plan it all. They kept complaining about the cost of everything and wanted to do things as cheaply as possible. I, like you, offered to pay for most so we could upscale it a tiny bit, after all it hopefully would be the only time my son got married!
It was in my backyard, so I started doing things without letting them know. They didn't want to put out money for favors and decorations, they didn't think it necessary, but I made them anyhow. The kids were so thankful because everything looked so beautiful. They only wanted subs, nothing else. So, I made meatballs and two other dishes and didn't tell them about it. I had to be sneaky and I hated that! But, as long as the bride and groom gave me the ok, I didn't really give a flying f*ck what her parents thought!
Deejay, that wedding almost gave me a stroke, seriously, all because of her parents. Don't let the same thing happen to you, it will ruin any memories of that special day.
Be firm, Call her and tell her you have a budget and anything she wants to pay over that, she's welcome to do it.
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I'm with Bebbet, Chandra, and the others. I think it is an unfortunate place to be in that she seems so willing to impress all of those folks with your money. Yes, this is a wedding...for your son and her daughter. She is obviously trying to live out her dream at others' expense. Put the brakes on it if you can, but I can offer no help with tact, as I have absolutely none. I would have already done the unthinkable by handing her an empty check book and telling her to live it up with what was in it.
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such silliness.
Vegas, baby. Vegas.
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Wasn't Vegas the first plan?
Stick to your guns! Let the other parents know what you are willing to pay for. If they want the extras tell them it's their bill.
I'm so glad I had a small wedding and didn't have to go thru with all of this. I know my step-mother was disappointed in the wedding...but it was my wedding and I wanted it small! ...sounds like the bride's parents want to put on a show, not listen to what the kids want.
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Chica - Ms. Fiance has been browbeaten all of her life by her family. I don't think she'll ever be able to stand up to them. I feel so badly for her.
Windy - To be honest, everything technical is going really smoothly on this wedding. The kids have told us want they want and we've not had any difficulty with caterers or anything. It's just those damn parents that are making me nutzoid!
Pixie - I can't help but think of my own wedding. Everything went off without a gliche. There was no bickering between families. I really hoped to see the same thing again! Hopefully, it will be smooth sailing from here on out.
Logis - I am okay with paying for things as long as they are things I can afford and that the kids want. What pisses me off is when others are adding things THEY want.
Cherry - I did talk to her and I did do the gracious thing. I'll toss that up in a quick blog before I leave town in a few hours. : )
Treasa - I "think" they think they have arranged for a bar to be there. LOL I'm not telling them anything different. That part should be fun.
Bebbs - I'm not scrapping the trappings now. Deposits have been made, and the kids are looking forward to seeing some aunts and uncles and such that they have not seen before. I am being firm with the mother though - she can bite my patootie!
Sarai - I rather liked your story! I had the fancy huge splashy wedding myself; they are no better than the intimate sweet weddings. I am shooting for intimate and sweet for the kids - that's what they want - that's what they get!
Chandra - Gee, I wonder if that young man is related to the fiance's family! They do sound rather similar!
Laurie - You know almost exactly what I'm dealing with then. It's soooooooooo difficult to try to do all this with their obstacles. I truly don't mind doing it and including their input, but I really resent them thinking they can keep upping the tally on the bills without doing a thing to help out! Argh!
Etainne - If I didn't love my son's fiance, I'd have no problem telling this woman to fly a kit. I just don't want the kids having to deal with fallout from me getting nasty. I'm totally biting my tongue on all of this!
Styles - LOL I suggested that a long while ago!
LMC - I thought of Vegas and looked into buying package deal tickets for my four kids, their significant others, and A and me. That's ten people and it got pretty expensive. Plus, her family would never have been able to afford it and we'd never have heard the end of it.
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What is it with you and patooties?
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The only way you could probably have the alcohol and afford it is if you did have the wedding and your yard and they would just have to scale down their list......
I don't believe in traditions per say, whoever can afford to help should help, including THEM.....
My sister's sons wedding turned out beautiful, they had a band and alcohol like she said in her backyard. She is wonderful at decorating and everything looked fantastic.
Now I have to go comment again on the other post. I read them out of order....lol
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