House of Deej
June 6, 2010
Up in the Air
Hmmm… Where to start. I feel as if so much has happened in the past few days that my head is spinning.
Even though my heart was breaking, I went to graduation as did every other teacher in my district. It’s what we do – we are there for our kids – they are a part of our lives. However, the chairman of the school board opted out. Graduation started at 7:00, and at 5:00 he called the principal to say he (and the rest of the board) wouldn’t be coming.
The Rational?
They heard everyone was angry with them. They didn’t want to be boo’d and they heard the kids were going to refuse to shake their hands when they handed out diplomas. So, instead of the school board recognizing the kids that night, the principal and one of the teachers handled graduation. Parents were less than impressed with the actions of the board, especially when they found out the board chair was across the street having dinner at a local restaurant during the ceremony.
The next day was our last day of classes with students. The kids were amazing in their support of their teachers. My desk was buried under cards and things from my kids. Previous graduates were in and out of the building all day to say “g’bye” to those of us who wouldn’t be back. Television and newspaper reporters were all over the place. The story had gone wild. This was the third day straight that my baby school was one of the lead stories in the area.
The student walk-out was well done. They had a bbq and held signs that said things like “what about us”, “don’t destroy our family”, and things like that. A number of them were interviewed by television stations and they did a beautiful job. Every bit of press coverage was excellent. Parents showed up to support their kids when they walked out. I cried at the support we were being given.
The board meeting to cut us was scheduled for 6:00 that evening and everyone was going to attend. At the end of the day, we heard they were planning to meet at 5:00 to “discuss” things first. Within minutes of hearing that, the text messages and facebook pages were updated to let everyone know what was happening. Parents and students arrived early – just in case.
Our students packed the floor of the gym and reserved the seats in front of them for their teachers. They wanted us to all do this together. As it turned out, almost more people showed up for this than for graduation. They came at 5:00 and waited until 6:00 – they had things to say. Again, reporters and cameras were everywhere to cover this.
The meeting started at 6:00 with the board reading a statement explaining what was happening. The crowd was not impressed. Our principal spoke as well. He supported the teachers completely and said the board did this without his input, after he left a meeting, and that he was not in favor of the cuts. The crowds cheered. One lone board member said the same thing. In fact, he pointed out that they didn’t even let him know they were planning on cuts – he was out of the loop completely and he was angry. He also felt the cuts were insane and impossible. The crowd cheered.
After that parents, students, teachers, and community members lined up to address the school board. One after another stated they didn’t want this to happen. At times it became a little heated. I was impressed by the quality of the arguments being put forth. Parents did their homework and had facts and figures given to them by the state to support their cause. The board squirmed and tried to squiggle out of some things. The meeting went on for hours!
During the meeting the board chair actually began texting while one of the kids was asking a question. At that point, parents shouted “listen to our children and put your phone away!” At first he refused, but when more and more started shouting, he put the IPhone away. Later, three of the board members leaned back and began talking among themselves. The crowd shouted to stop that because it violated the open meeting laws. The board responded by saying they were considering tabling the cuts.
Eventually, the board challenged the parents to pass a referendum that we need to survive. They told the parents and teachers that they’d stop this IF everyone – community, employees, and board all worked together to find ways to make our school solvent. The crowd cheered. The only voice that argued was that of our superintended. He wasn’t at the meeting, but he was called. When the board told him hundreds and hundreds of community members were demanding they stop this, he said “too bad, make the cuts”.
They opted not to make the cuts and the celebrations began.
Kids and parents were hugging us. Tears were flowing. Parents that I’ve never seen in the school came up to tell us how important we were to their kids. Each of us had our own compliments, and I’m going to post the two that touched me the most. A hubby/wife duo came up and hugged me and said “without you, there is no school here” and another mom said “you have no idea how much this community loves you”. Touched doesn’t even begin to cover the emotions that statements like that stir up.
The kids were ecstatic. They learned first hand that citizens can make a difference if they work together. A number of them said things like “wow, power to the people!”
And then…..
Yesterday – our last day of work. No students were there, it was just us – the staff. For many of the teachers, they won’t be back until August so they would have had no idea what our board and superintendent were planning.
After everyone was gone, the superintendent and a couple of board members met. They posted a new meeting. Legally, every time they meet they must post it ahead of time. Their posting was put up inside the school, facing the empty hallways after everyone left for the summer. It was legal, but was it ethical?
What they didn’t know was that across the hall was one last teacher. He was sitting in the dark, entering grades on his computer. He heard them. He waited until they were gone and he took a picture of that posting.
Before long, the text messages began to fly. Reporters found out. Our superintendent finally spoke to the press and said “we still need to make cuts”.
In spite of everyone’s offer to work together, this man – who doesn’t even officially start as our superintendent until tomorrow – is going to ignore them. He’s going to forge ahead and we think only one board member will try to stop him.
Emotionally, this has been a disaster. It’s up, it’s down, it’s all over the place. Right now, I don’t know if I will have a job or not. I have no idea what is going to happen.
I do know this.
Our new superintendent is going to start his career at a school with no support from any staff. The community despises him. The kids want to toss him off the nearest bridge. Several of the board members are going to be leaving the board so he will lose that support. I don’t think it’s going to be a pleasant job for him, and that’s okay. He negotiated an enormous salary and benefits package for himself. He can spend his time counting his money because he certainly won’t have any friends to count.
Peace
Even though my heart was breaking, I went to graduation as did every other teacher in my district. It’s what we do – we are there for our kids – they are a part of our lives. However, the chairman of the school board opted out. Graduation started at 7:00, and at 5:00 he called the principal to say he (and the rest of the board) wouldn’t be coming.
The Rational?
They heard everyone was angry with them. They didn’t want to be boo’d and they heard the kids were going to refuse to shake their hands when they handed out diplomas. So, instead of the school board recognizing the kids that night, the principal and one of the teachers handled graduation. Parents were less than impressed with the actions of the board, especially when they found out the board chair was across the street having dinner at a local restaurant during the ceremony.
The next day was our last day of classes with students. The kids were amazing in their support of their teachers. My desk was buried under cards and things from my kids. Previous graduates were in and out of the building all day to say “g’bye” to those of us who wouldn’t be back. Television and newspaper reporters were all over the place. The story had gone wild. This was the third day straight that my baby school was one of the lead stories in the area.
The student walk-out was well done. They had a bbq and held signs that said things like “what about us”, “don’t destroy our family”, and things like that. A number of them were interviewed by television stations and they did a beautiful job. Every bit of press coverage was excellent. Parents showed up to support their kids when they walked out. I cried at the support we were being given.
The board meeting to cut us was scheduled for 6:00 that evening and everyone was going to attend. At the end of the day, we heard they were planning to meet at 5:00 to “discuss” things first. Within minutes of hearing that, the text messages and facebook pages were updated to let everyone know what was happening. Parents and students arrived early – just in case.
Our students packed the floor of the gym and reserved the seats in front of them for their teachers. They wanted us to all do this together. As it turned out, almost more people showed up for this than for graduation. They came at 5:00 and waited until 6:00 – they had things to say. Again, reporters and cameras were everywhere to cover this.
The meeting started at 6:00 with the board reading a statement explaining what was happening. The crowd was not impressed. Our principal spoke as well. He supported the teachers completely and said the board did this without his input, after he left a meeting, and that he was not in favor of the cuts. The crowds cheered. One lone board member said the same thing. In fact, he pointed out that they didn’t even let him know they were planning on cuts – he was out of the loop completely and he was angry. He also felt the cuts were insane and impossible. The crowd cheered.
After that parents, students, teachers, and community members lined up to address the school board. One after another stated they didn’t want this to happen. At times it became a little heated. I was impressed by the quality of the arguments being put forth. Parents did their homework and had facts and figures given to them by the state to support their cause. The board squirmed and tried to squiggle out of some things. The meeting went on for hours!
During the meeting the board chair actually began texting while one of the kids was asking a question. At that point, parents shouted “listen to our children and put your phone away!” At first he refused, but when more and more started shouting, he put the IPhone away. Later, three of the board members leaned back and began talking among themselves. The crowd shouted to stop that because it violated the open meeting laws. The board responded by saying they were considering tabling the cuts.
Eventually, the board challenged the parents to pass a referendum that we need to survive. They told the parents and teachers that they’d stop this IF everyone – community, employees, and board all worked together to find ways to make our school solvent. The crowd cheered. The only voice that argued was that of our superintended. He wasn’t at the meeting, but he was called. When the board told him hundreds and hundreds of community members were demanding they stop this, he said “too bad, make the cuts”.
They opted not to make the cuts and the celebrations began.
Kids and parents were hugging us. Tears were flowing. Parents that I’ve never seen in the school came up to tell us how important we were to their kids. Each of us had our own compliments, and I’m going to post the two that touched me the most. A hubby/wife duo came up and hugged me and said “without you, there is no school here” and another mom said “you have no idea how much this community loves you”. Touched doesn’t even begin to cover the emotions that statements like that stir up.
The kids were ecstatic. They learned first hand that citizens can make a difference if they work together. A number of them said things like “wow, power to the people!”
And then…..
Yesterday – our last day of work. No students were there, it was just us – the staff. For many of the teachers, they won’t be back until August so they would have had no idea what our board and superintendent were planning.
After everyone was gone, the superintendent and a couple of board members met. They posted a new meeting. Legally, every time they meet they must post it ahead of time. Their posting was put up inside the school, facing the empty hallways after everyone left for the summer. It was legal, but was it ethical?
What they didn’t know was that across the hall was one last teacher. He was sitting in the dark, entering grades on his computer. He heard them. He waited until they were gone and he took a picture of that posting.
Before long, the text messages began to fly. Reporters found out. Our superintendent finally spoke to the press and said “we still need to make cuts”.
In spite of everyone’s offer to work together, this man – who doesn’t even officially start as our superintendent until tomorrow – is going to ignore them. He’s going to forge ahead and we think only one board member will try to stop him.
Emotionally, this has been a disaster. It’s up, it’s down, it’s all over the place. Right now, I don’t know if I will have a job or not. I have no idea what is going to happen.
I do know this.
Our new superintendent is going to start his career at a school with no support from any staff. The community despises him. The kids want to toss him off the nearest bridge. Several of the board members are going to be leaving the board so he will lose that support. I don’t think it’s going to be a pleasant job for him, and that’s okay. He negotiated an enormous salary and benefits package for himself. He can spend his time counting his money because he certainly won’t have any friends to count.
Peace
posted by DeeJay at 01:22
May 15, 2010
Life
As the days, the months go by it still doesn't seem quite real that Led is actually gone. Every once in a while something hits me and I realize that I'll never hear his voice again and I am sad - so incredibly sad. One of his best friends, Leah, has been there for me. We text and sometimes have called each other.
Led left us in a very weird spot. When I first found out I was stunned. I guess the best thing to do is to go back to the beginning - the beginning of the end.
When Leah called me to tell me Led died, there was a particularly difficult spot in an already weird conversation. She paused and asked if I had a daughter named D..... I said yes. At that point she hesitated again before asking me if Led was the father.
Duh?
A while back Led told me his friends thought he was the dad and we laughed about it. He told me he talked about her around them and they jumped to that crazy conclusion. It was like him to be secretive and let them guess. I could just imagine him inwardly chuckling at their false assumption.
I told Leah that Led was not the dad and that Led mentioned they thought he was. Thank goodness she got ahold of me when she did; she and his friends were about to tell his mother that she had an unknown granddaughter.
Can you imagine?!?
A while later Leah and I were talking again and it all came out. She told me that it wasn't an assumption - my Led actually came out and told them he was my youngest child's father.
Huh?
He told them I'd once lived there with him and we split after I got pregnant. He told them it was all his fault. He told them he'd paid child support for years. He told them he helped me buy my current home. He told me he loved me, but we just couldn't be together.
Huh?
He didn't tell them I was married. He didn't tell them I had other children. He didn't tell him that my daughter was actually conceived when he lived in an entirely different state and before I actually knew him.
There is more, but you get the picture.
I was shocked.
I talked to him. Sure he couldn't respond, but I talked and talked and talked. I asked him what he could possibly have been thinking.
I've not always been truthful about myself online. I think I 'fessed up to you guys about my intitial ventures into chatrooms and the lies I told. I'm not proud of them. I told giant fibs to people I didn't know.
He told huge whoppers to the people in his life. He fibbed to the people that were his support system, that cared about him, that he sat across the table with during holidays.
Somehow it all seemed different to me.
Maybe it's not.
I know that I was lonely when I did the things I did. I was seeking acceptance and I thought that by being something I was not, I'd get that. I had no right to do and say the things I did. I hurt feelings and I hurt myself in the long run. I wasn't in a place in my life where I was happy with how things were going. That doesn't excuse my behavior, but it's the only explanation I have.
With Led, I think he was incredibly lonely.
I think he'd seen his friends moving on - one by one. I think he saw them getting married, having families, growing up, and having the things that I know he wanted so very much. I think he wanted them to believe that he had them - in an odd and twisted way. I think he wanted them to think there was someone out there for him.
Sadly, when he was at his most lonely - those last months of his life - I was too busy for him. I'd stepped away and expected him to be able to fly solo. I know I was his support system. I know I was the one he'd always talked to when the world kicked him in the balls. I deserted him because he was clinging too much and expecting too much. He wanted things I couldn't give him. I could offer friendship - nothing else.
At the same time someone else that was very special to me had to back away. Their own life took some unexpected turns and they needed to deal with that. Their life was most assuredly too busy for me and, like Led, I had to stand on my own two feet without the emotional support I was used to.
In the long run, I think it was a good thing. I will always care about the special person that drifted from my life. Hell, my heart will always hold a place for just that person - nobody else can fill that spot. Even though we are still friends, it's not the same. My calls and texts to this person are not always answered and I know I'm not as important to them as I once was. It's okay - I understand - I truly do.
My point - I don't know that Led was able to do what we did. He didn't find it as easy to go it alone and the stories he wove increased during the last months of his life. He floundered. He was alone and he was lonely.
I am not angry for the stories he told.
I am sad for him.
I'm sad that he was so very lonely and that he died alone.
I'm sad that he's not there anymore and that I cannot tell him that I'm sorry I wasn't there. I'm sad that he didn't know how much he meant to me.
I'm sorry for myself as well. Two people incredibly dear to me in different ways are lost to me. I think of them both daily. Even still in those odd little moments when something funky happens I want to just pick up my phone and call one or both of them. Yet, I cannot.
I guess tonight I am feeling introspective and just needed to ramble.
I'm okay; truly I am. I'm not looking for anyone to feel badly for me. I'm in a good place in my life. I am happy. Things are good.
Sometimes, I just want to move the clock back and have one more day.
Peace
Led left us in a very weird spot. When I first found out I was stunned. I guess the best thing to do is to go back to the beginning - the beginning of the end.
When Leah called me to tell me Led died, there was a particularly difficult spot in an already weird conversation. She paused and asked if I had a daughter named D..... I said yes. At that point she hesitated again before asking me if Led was the father.
Duh?
A while back Led told me his friends thought he was the dad and we laughed about it. He told me he talked about her around them and they jumped to that crazy conclusion. It was like him to be secretive and let them guess. I could just imagine him inwardly chuckling at their false assumption.
I told Leah that Led was not the dad and that Led mentioned they thought he was. Thank goodness she got ahold of me when she did; she and his friends were about to tell his mother that she had an unknown granddaughter.
Can you imagine?!?
A while later Leah and I were talking again and it all came out. She told me that it wasn't an assumption - my Led actually came out and told them he was my youngest child's father.
Huh?
He told them I'd once lived there with him and we split after I got pregnant. He told them it was all his fault. He told them he'd paid child support for years. He told them he helped me buy my current home. He told me he loved me, but we just couldn't be together.
Huh?
He didn't tell them I was married. He didn't tell them I had other children. He didn't tell him that my daughter was actually conceived when he lived in an entirely different state and before I actually knew him.
There is more, but you get the picture.
I was shocked.
I talked to him. Sure he couldn't respond, but I talked and talked and talked. I asked him what he could possibly have been thinking.
I've not always been truthful about myself online. I think I 'fessed up to you guys about my intitial ventures into chatrooms and the lies I told. I'm not proud of them. I told giant fibs to people I didn't know.
He told huge whoppers to the people in his life. He fibbed to the people that were his support system, that cared about him, that he sat across the table with during holidays.
Somehow it all seemed different to me.
Maybe it's not.
I know that I was lonely when I did the things I did. I was seeking acceptance and I thought that by being something I was not, I'd get that. I had no right to do and say the things I did. I hurt feelings and I hurt myself in the long run. I wasn't in a place in my life where I was happy with how things were going. That doesn't excuse my behavior, but it's the only explanation I have.
With Led, I think he was incredibly lonely.
I think he'd seen his friends moving on - one by one. I think he saw them getting married, having families, growing up, and having the things that I know he wanted so very much. I think he wanted them to believe that he had them - in an odd and twisted way. I think he wanted them to think there was someone out there for him.
Sadly, when he was at his most lonely - those last months of his life - I was too busy for him. I'd stepped away and expected him to be able to fly solo. I know I was his support system. I know I was the one he'd always talked to when the world kicked him in the balls. I deserted him because he was clinging too much and expecting too much. He wanted things I couldn't give him. I could offer friendship - nothing else.
At the same time someone else that was very special to me had to back away. Their own life took some unexpected turns and they needed to deal with that. Their life was most assuredly too busy for me and, like Led, I had to stand on my own two feet without the emotional support I was used to.
In the long run, I think it was a good thing. I will always care about the special person that drifted from my life. Hell, my heart will always hold a place for just that person - nobody else can fill that spot. Even though we are still friends, it's not the same. My calls and texts to this person are not always answered and I know I'm not as important to them as I once was. It's okay - I understand - I truly do.
My point - I don't know that Led was able to do what we did. He didn't find it as easy to go it alone and the stories he wove increased during the last months of his life. He floundered. He was alone and he was lonely.
I am not angry for the stories he told.
I am sad for him.
I'm sad that he was so very lonely and that he died alone.
I'm sad that he's not there anymore and that I cannot tell him that I'm sorry I wasn't there. I'm sad that he didn't know how much he meant to me.
I'm sorry for myself as well. Two people incredibly dear to me in different ways are lost to me. I think of them both daily. Even still in those odd little moments when something funky happens I want to just pick up my phone and call one or both of them. Yet, I cannot.
I guess tonight I am feeling introspective and just needed to ramble.
I'm okay; truly I am. I'm not looking for anyone to feel badly for me. I'm in a good place in my life. I am happy. Things are good.
Sometimes, I just want to move the clock back and have one more day.
Peace
posted by DeeJay at 10:14
February 7, 2010
Duh
I truly do love my sophomores this year, but they sometimes drive me utterly and completely bonkers! I was warned. I can't say I had no idea what to expect. Everyone, and I do mean everyone that taught these kiddos before they pranced into my room last September said the same thing - "great kids, very chatty, but low achievers". It fits them perfectly.
Collectively, they are content to be proficient. There really isn't a single one of them that puts any great effort into school. They want to be spoonfed and would rather have me give them a bunch of information to memorize than to put any real thought into how the world works, why things happened, how one event led to another, etc. It's frustrating because I'm NOT a teacher that simply tosses dates and names at kids to memorize. I want them to "understand" the world around them. Argh!
A classic example was Friday. I was covering the end of WWI - it was time to mention the atomic bombs being dropped. Puleeze don't turn this into a discussion about the right or wrong of it - no no no peeps, I just wanna tell you 'bout my class, not get all political here.
Sooooooooooooooooo.............
It went kind of like this (abbreviated for the sake of my purdy little sore fingers and my non-desire to type each word)
"On August 6, 1945 the United States dropped the first atomic bomb on the city of Hiroshima....... (yada yada yada)"
Then...
"The Japanese didn't surrender, and three days later the United States dropped a second atomic bomb on the city of Nagasaki..... (yada yada yada)"
One of the total black and white thinker type boys interupts me to ask "Uh, what year was that bomb dropped?"
My look of utter exasperation must have shown because one of the kids who "gets it", looked up, grinned at me, and muttered "that would have been 1946".
I didn't say anything, I just went on to explain the Japanese officially signed papers to surrender in September of 1945.
The confused boy looked up with a rather dazed and confused expression on his face and said "Uh, that doesn't make any sense!"
I asked why.
His reply?
"Well why would we have dropped a bomb on them in 1946, if they surrendered in 1945?"
*bangs head on desk*
Did you notice that I'd said "three days later"? Duh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes I just want to stomp my feet and cry. Those feelings were intensified when the kids sitting around him said "uh, we have 1946 written down too!"
I had to explain that sarcasm boy was just messing with their heads because they should have KNOWN the year when I said it was three days AFTER August 6 of 1945. Instead of saying "oh oh oh, I get it", they said things like "well why did he SAY 1946???"
My head hurts.
Peace
Collectively, they are content to be proficient. There really isn't a single one of them that puts any great effort into school. They want to be spoonfed and would rather have me give them a bunch of information to memorize than to put any real thought into how the world works, why things happened, how one event led to another, etc. It's frustrating because I'm NOT a teacher that simply tosses dates and names at kids to memorize. I want them to "understand" the world around them. Argh!
A classic example was Friday. I was covering the end of WWI - it was time to mention the atomic bombs being dropped. Puleeze don't turn this into a discussion about the right or wrong of it - no no no peeps, I just wanna tell you 'bout my class, not get all political here.
Sooooooooooooooooo.............
It went kind of like this (abbreviated for the sake of my purdy little sore fingers and my non-desire to type each word)
"On August 6, 1945 the United States dropped the first atomic bomb on the city of Hiroshima....... (yada yada yada)"
Then...
"The Japanese didn't surrender, and three days later the United States dropped a second atomic bomb on the city of Nagasaki..... (yada yada yada)"
One of the total black and white thinker type boys interupts me to ask "Uh, what year was that bomb dropped?"
My look of utter exasperation must have shown because one of the kids who "gets it", looked up, grinned at me, and muttered "that would have been 1946".
I didn't say anything, I just went on to explain the Japanese officially signed papers to surrender in September of 1945.
The confused boy looked up with a rather dazed and confused expression on his face and said "Uh, that doesn't make any sense!"
I asked why.
His reply?
"Well why would we have dropped a bomb on them in 1946, if they surrendered in 1945?"
*bangs head on desk*
Did you notice that I'd said "three days later"? Duh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes I just want to stomp my feet and cry. Those feelings were intensified when the kids sitting around him said "uh, we have 1946 written down too!"
I had to explain that sarcasm boy was just messing with their heads because they should have KNOWN the year when I said it was three days AFTER August 6 of 1945. Instead of saying "oh oh oh, I get it", they said things like "well why did he SAY 1946???"
My head hurts.
Peace
posted by DeeJay at 02:59
January 31, 2010
Shoppage
I'm a happy little camper; a happy camper yes I am.
(think melody to Yankee Doodle when reading that - I'm singing it in my head)
Yeah yeah, I'm feeling silly today but savings oodles of money can do that to a stingy Deej.
The wedding is in three weeks. I have been putting off finding a dress to wear to the big event. I just haven't been anticipating the thought of digging through atrociously decorated with faux pearls and gawdy sequins type dressed. I hate that shit. I hate those "mother of the bride" type dresses.
Yesterday Babycub and I went shopping for all kids of gizmos and doo-dads. She suggested I find a dress and I shuddered. I opted to use the age old excuse many women use when confronted with this particular horror "Uh, I need to shave my legs".
Perfect.
After all, who wants to try on dresses with less than smooth gams? Not, I - that's for sure!
With that out of the way, we continued having a marvelous day poking through one store after another. Then it happened. Some odd force drew me into a cute little boutique that I've never ventured into before. I found myself being pulled toward a rack of clothes and right toward this luverly printed jackety thing.
I pulled it out and asked Babycub what she thought. We both loved it. Then my face fell. My jackety thing with the fitted tank under it came with pants NOT a skirt. I sighed mightily and Babycub suggested I call the bride - my oldest daughter. If she could live with her "mother of the bride" in pants, I most certainly would be happy to prance down the aisle in this outfit of outfits. It was perfection on a hanger!
She didn't care. She knows I'm never going to be the 50s Throwback Family that she's marrying into. I am me. My family is unique, and I love it. We don't fit molds.
With glee, I scampered to the dressing room to try on my treasure. It fit like it was made for me. I flounced and preened in front of mirrors, Babycub, and the sales clerks. It was "me". I was thrilled.
I didn't look at the price.
I knew I'd be spending a few bucks to find the perfect ensemble for this wedding. I just figured this would be pricey and that was that.
There it was - the tag.
But wait!
It was marked down.
The mark down was crossed off and marked down again.
Wait!
The marked down mark down was also crossed off and marked down again.
But wait even again!
The dress was on clearance.
After all the markdowns, they were still discounting it by 75% of the last markdown.
To sum it all up - my perfect perfect luverly delightfully make me smile and feel purdy outfit cost me ....
*drumroll*
$14.00
Yes, that's FOURTEEN dollars.
The gods of shopping were smiling on me yesterday!
Peace
(think melody to Yankee Doodle when reading that - I'm singing it in my head)
Yeah yeah, I'm feeling silly today but savings oodles of money can do that to a stingy Deej.
The wedding is in three weeks. I have been putting off finding a dress to wear to the big event. I just haven't been anticipating the thought of digging through atrociously decorated with faux pearls and gawdy sequins type dressed. I hate that shit. I hate those "mother of the bride" type dresses.
Yesterday Babycub and I went shopping for all kids of gizmos and doo-dads. She suggested I find a dress and I shuddered. I opted to use the age old excuse many women use when confronted with this particular horror "Uh, I need to shave my legs".
Perfect.
After all, who wants to try on dresses with less than smooth gams? Not, I - that's for sure!
With that out of the way, we continued having a marvelous day poking through one store after another. Then it happened. Some odd force drew me into a cute little boutique that I've never ventured into before. I found myself being pulled toward a rack of clothes and right toward this luverly printed jackety thing.
I pulled it out and asked Babycub what she thought. We both loved it. Then my face fell. My jackety thing with the fitted tank under it came with pants NOT a skirt. I sighed mightily and Babycub suggested I call the bride - my oldest daughter. If she could live with her "mother of the bride" in pants, I most certainly would be happy to prance down the aisle in this outfit of outfits. It was perfection on a hanger!
She didn't care. She knows I'm never going to be the 50s Throwback Family that she's marrying into. I am me. My family is unique, and I love it. We don't fit molds.
With glee, I scampered to the dressing room to try on my treasure. It fit like it was made for me. I flounced and preened in front of mirrors, Babycub, and the sales clerks. It was "me". I was thrilled.
I didn't look at the price.
I knew I'd be spending a few bucks to find the perfect ensemble for this wedding. I just figured this would be pricey and that was that.
There it was - the tag.
But wait!
It was marked down.
The mark down was crossed off and marked down again.
Wait!
The marked down mark down was also crossed off and marked down again.
But wait even again!
The dress was on clearance.
After all the markdowns, they were still discounting it by 75% of the last markdown.
To sum it all up - my perfect perfect luverly delightfully make me smile and feel purdy outfit cost me ....
*drumroll*
$14.00
Yes, that's FOURTEEN dollars.
The gods of shopping were smiling on me yesterday!
Peace
posted by DeeJay at 10:36
January 30, 2010
The Boobie Fairy
And suddenly there are boobies.
Yes, the boobie fairy has sprinkled some kind of mammary dust on my wee little girl.
My little babycub has a chest and I'm not quite ready to see her this way! Last weekend she tossed on some sweater, walked out into the living room and said "omg, mom, my boobs look like the size of Texas in this!!!"
I had to laugh and promptly texted her older sister about this so we could harass the poor little Texan in tandem. After all, if your family doesn't give you endless amounts of shit, what good are they?
We spent the day calling her Tex while she rolled her eyes at us in utter dismay.
When her bod first began to develop she was extremely self-conscious about the whole puberty/mother nature/hormone thing. She's accepted the inevitable - she will get boobs, pimples, periods, body hair, and all that jazz.
My house has changed. The hub and I have adjusted to the Mancub having a deeper voice, a hint of whiskers, and littlemanuppityness. Now we are moving into the moody hormonal aspect of a teen girl. Both of them at once? Really?????
Years ago when these two were little someone repairman was at our house and seemed rather puzzled to see the gap in the ages of our kids. The hub looked at him and said "Yeah, they are all ours. God is punishing us for something to land us with two year olds in teenagers all at the same time."
Some days I long for those old days, but time marches on and I wouldn't change a thing about my cubs. Okay, well, maybe she could be a wee bit less chesty - she's being ogled by teen boys and she's only thirteen!
Peace
Yes, the boobie fairy has sprinkled some kind of mammary dust on my wee little girl.
My little babycub has a chest and I'm not quite ready to see her this way! Last weekend she tossed on some sweater, walked out into the living room and said "omg, mom, my boobs look like the size of Texas in this!!!"
I had to laugh and promptly texted her older sister about this so we could harass the poor little Texan in tandem. After all, if your family doesn't give you endless amounts of shit, what good are they?
We spent the day calling her Tex while she rolled her eyes at us in utter dismay.
When her bod first began to develop she was extremely self-conscious about the whole puberty/mother nature/hormone thing. She's accepted the inevitable - she will get boobs, pimples, periods, body hair, and all that jazz.
My house has changed. The hub and I have adjusted to the Mancub having a deeper voice, a hint of whiskers, and littlemanuppityness. Now we are moving into the moody hormonal aspect of a teen girl. Both of them at once? Really?????
Years ago when these two were little someone repairman was at our house and seemed rather puzzled to see the gap in the ages of our kids. The hub looked at him and said "Yeah, they are all ours. God is punishing us for something to land us with two year olds in teenagers all at the same time."
Some days I long for those old days, but time marches on and I wouldn't change a thing about my cubs. Okay, well, maybe she could be a wee bit less chesty - she's being ogled by teen boys and she's only thirteen!
Peace
posted by DeeJay at 10:23
January 28, 2010
Thoughts
It still doesn't seem quite real to me that Led isn't going to be there for me the way he was for so very long.
For the first few days I cried every time I thought of him, but for the past two days I haven't cried. I'm doing okay.
All kinds of odd things have gone through my mind.
I think we all have similar thoughts when we lose someone we love. We fret over things left unsaid. We moan over things we wish we hadn't said or done. Shit, the last word I actually texted to him was "die". Go figure! Granted, I wasn't telling him to die; I simply texted "crap, my battery is about to die" - even so, the irony of it all didn't escape me.
I've been angry with him. He promised he'd always be there. He isn't. I know this because I call his cell each day just to hear his voice. Perhaps the finality of it all will sink in when the phone is disconnected and I get a recording saying the number is no more. Until then, I shall call just to have that bit of connection.
I've come to realize that I'm being incredibly selfish. I'm thinking of his death in terms of "what will I do without him in my life?" Sheesh, I have made this all about me. The reality of the situation is that I should be sad for him and not for me. I think grief tends to be that way for most people though. We are sad for ourselves because losing that someone takes them away from us. It's the survivors that are feeling lonely - it's not the one that's gone.
Even though I hadn't talked to him right before he died, he knew I loved him. I know he did. I believe that deep in my heart.
I also believe he didn't know or sense how close he was to dying. I've heard over and over from people how their loved one just "knew". I really think he just went to sleep that night and didn't wake up in the morning. I don't think he felt shitty and suspected that was his last night or that the end was nearing. I believe he'd have called me to say good-bye if that were the case. He wouldn't have just bailed from this planet on me.
I do believe his spirit, his presence, or whatever is here and always will be around me. He may not physically be here to kick my ass when I act like an idiot, but the essence of him is here. I can hear his voice in my head giving me encouragement.
I'm still finding the hardest part is that I can't just pick up the phone any time I want to talk to him. I think that will bother me for a very long time.
In the meantime, I am finding myself smiling when those memories of him hit me by surprise. It's okay. I miss him, but I will be okay. The world will keep spinning and as long as he's in my heart, he's going to be spinning on it with me.
Peace
For the first few days I cried every time I thought of him, but for the past two days I haven't cried. I'm doing okay.
All kinds of odd things have gone through my mind.
I think we all have similar thoughts when we lose someone we love. We fret over things left unsaid. We moan over things we wish we hadn't said or done. Shit, the last word I actually texted to him was "die". Go figure! Granted, I wasn't telling him to die; I simply texted "crap, my battery is about to die" - even so, the irony of it all didn't escape me.
I've been angry with him. He promised he'd always be there. He isn't. I know this because I call his cell each day just to hear his voice. Perhaps the finality of it all will sink in when the phone is disconnected and I get a recording saying the number is no more. Until then, I shall call just to have that bit of connection.
I've come to realize that I'm being incredibly selfish. I'm thinking of his death in terms of "what will I do without him in my life?" Sheesh, I have made this all about me. The reality of the situation is that I should be sad for him and not for me. I think grief tends to be that way for most people though. We are sad for ourselves because losing that someone takes them away from us. It's the survivors that are feeling lonely - it's not the one that's gone.
Even though I hadn't talked to him right before he died, he knew I loved him. I know he did. I believe that deep in my heart.
I also believe he didn't know or sense how close he was to dying. I've heard over and over from people how their loved one just "knew". I really think he just went to sleep that night and didn't wake up in the morning. I don't think he felt shitty and suspected that was his last night or that the end was nearing. I believe he'd have called me to say good-bye if that were the case. He wouldn't have just bailed from this planet on me.
I do believe his spirit, his presence, or whatever is here and always will be around me. He may not physically be here to kick my ass when I act like an idiot, but the essence of him is here. I can hear his voice in my head giving me encouragement.
I'm still finding the hardest part is that I can't just pick up the phone any time I want to talk to him. I think that will bother me for a very long time.
In the meantime, I am finding myself smiling when those memories of him hit me by surprise. It's okay. I miss him, but I will be okay. The world will keep spinning and as long as he's in my heart, he's going to be spinning on it with me.
Peace
posted by DeeJay at 10:07
January 23, 2010
My Led
Nobody will understand this entry better than most of you. In our own odd little ways we have forged friendships and much more through this medium that non-blogger type people do not and will not understand. I know many of us have already mentioned this like this.
So, here I am.
Sad beyond belief…
I can’t sleep because I just want to cry…
It’s the middle of the night and the one person that wouldn’t get cranky by a middle of the night phone call from me for no particular reason isn’t going to answer. Sure, there are others I could call, but some would be a mite irritated about the time, others wouldn’t get what I’m feeling. This one person wouldn’t question. He’d just listen to me cry and let me get it all out. After that, he’d find something to say to make me laugh.
I cannot call him tonight or any other night…
He’s why I’m so sad…
A couple of you might remember him. He really didn’t blog at efx2 very often and he never wrote anything here; he signed up there to write a few entries here and there because I nagged him to do it.
He registered here and efx2 as leduntitled. I just called him "Led".
I had this phone call from a number I didn’t recognize. I didn’t answer the phone. Instead I listened to the voice message from a person I didn’t know. It simply said “I’m L…, a friend of Ed’s. Could you please call me?”
I knew.
I didn’t want to make that call, but I had to.
He died last weekend.
His friends hunted and searched for my phone number because they knew how close he and I were. They knew I needed to know. They invited me to come and stay with them so I could attend his memorial service. They seem wonderful. I’m glad he had them in his life.
Sadly, I knew this call would come. I just hoped it wouldn’t be so soon.
He’s had health problems for the past few years. I’ve known that, but he didn’t complain and tended to try to shove the seriousness of his illness in the background. He always told me he didn’t want me to worry.
Our friendship has spanned years and years. Once upon a time, I wandered into some silly chatroom and met this guy. He was sarcastic, odd, funny, intelligent, sweet, and silly. We hit it off immediately and began to spend hours and hours talking.
No matter what happened in his life or mine, we stayed friends. There were some ups and downs, just like in any friendship. There were times that I wanted to smack him silly, and I’m sure there were times he felt the same way about me.
He was a computer savy tech geek who rolled his eyes when I admitted I didn’t know how to copy and paste. He patiently taught me how to navigate the net and do all kinds of funky things with a computer.
He forgave me when I wasn’t a very good friend to him. He’d tell me if I was being an idiot, but never did he stop being there for me.
Before there were inexpensive cell phones everywhere (yes, we have been friends long), he got an 800 number in case I wanted to call him – any time, anywhere.
When things were crappy in my life, he listened and cared.
When shit hit the fan in his life, I listened and cared.
I was married with kids; he’d never married and had no children. Even so, he seemed to love when I babbled on about the goofy things my kids did. He asked about them all the time. When he was in a relationship, he’d use me as a soundingboard when his g/f was driving him nuts.
He was just always there.
Several years ago, everyone in my immediate family forgot my birthday. He didn’t. He put together a silly birthday website to make me laugh. He was so angry that I’d been forgotten here that he made a point of always making sure that never happened again. My birthday is Monday. It will be the first time in thirteen years that I won’t hear from him.
I hated knowing he was so sick. I hated even thinking about the possibility that he wouldn’t be there some day. I tend to shove bad things into the background. I tend to try to avoid the ugly parts of the world. I ignored that I might lose him.
In doing so, I haven’t been the best friend to him lately.
I wasn’t blogging here, you know that – I also wasn’t being very good about talking to him as much as we did in the past. I haven’t had any contact with him in over a week.
I keep going back to last year when he was really feeling sick. I demanded he go to the hospital and threatened to call his mom, his friends, etc. if he didn’t go. He went and his doc told him he’d have died if he didn’t get in when he did. Now, I am thinking that maybe if I’d talked to him last week, I would have realized he needed to see a doc again; he was terrible about doing things like that.
In any case, there is a hole in my world right now and I just needed to talk it out. Like I said, you peeps – you people understand how much we can learn to care for someone online. Truly, none of my friends that don’t go online would understand how I’m feeling – they would think I’m nuts.
Bear with me for a bit. I have a feeling I may be writing about this again one of these days.
Thanks
Peace
So, here I am.
Sad beyond belief…
I can’t sleep because I just want to cry…
It’s the middle of the night and the one person that wouldn’t get cranky by a middle of the night phone call from me for no particular reason isn’t going to answer. Sure, there are others I could call, but some would be a mite irritated about the time, others wouldn’t get what I’m feeling. This one person wouldn’t question. He’d just listen to me cry and let me get it all out. After that, he’d find something to say to make me laugh.
I cannot call him tonight or any other night…
He’s why I’m so sad…
A couple of you might remember him. He really didn’t blog at efx2 very often and he never wrote anything here; he signed up there to write a few entries here and there because I nagged him to do it.
He registered here and efx2 as leduntitled. I just called him "Led".
I had this phone call from a number I didn’t recognize. I didn’t answer the phone. Instead I listened to the voice message from a person I didn’t know. It simply said “I’m L…, a friend of Ed’s. Could you please call me?”
I knew.
I didn’t want to make that call, but I had to.
He died last weekend.
His friends hunted and searched for my phone number because they knew how close he and I were. They knew I needed to know. They invited me to come and stay with them so I could attend his memorial service. They seem wonderful. I’m glad he had them in his life.
Sadly, I knew this call would come. I just hoped it wouldn’t be so soon.
He’s had health problems for the past few years. I’ve known that, but he didn’t complain and tended to try to shove the seriousness of his illness in the background. He always told me he didn’t want me to worry.
Our friendship has spanned years and years. Once upon a time, I wandered into some silly chatroom and met this guy. He was sarcastic, odd, funny, intelligent, sweet, and silly. We hit it off immediately and began to spend hours and hours talking.
No matter what happened in his life or mine, we stayed friends. There were some ups and downs, just like in any friendship. There were times that I wanted to smack him silly, and I’m sure there were times he felt the same way about me.
He was a computer savy tech geek who rolled his eyes when I admitted I didn’t know how to copy and paste. He patiently taught me how to navigate the net and do all kinds of funky things with a computer.
He forgave me when I wasn’t a very good friend to him. He’d tell me if I was being an idiot, but never did he stop being there for me.
Before there were inexpensive cell phones everywhere (yes, we have been friends long), he got an 800 number in case I wanted to call him – any time, anywhere.
When things were crappy in my life, he listened and cared.
When shit hit the fan in his life, I listened and cared.
I was married with kids; he’d never married and had no children. Even so, he seemed to love when I babbled on about the goofy things my kids did. He asked about them all the time. When he was in a relationship, he’d use me as a soundingboard when his g/f was driving him nuts.
He was just always there.
Several years ago, everyone in my immediate family forgot my birthday. He didn’t. He put together a silly birthday website to make me laugh. He was so angry that I’d been forgotten here that he made a point of always making sure that never happened again. My birthday is Monday. It will be the first time in thirteen years that I won’t hear from him.
I hated knowing he was so sick. I hated even thinking about the possibility that he wouldn’t be there some day. I tend to shove bad things into the background. I tend to try to avoid the ugly parts of the world. I ignored that I might lose him.
In doing so, I haven’t been the best friend to him lately.
I wasn’t blogging here, you know that – I also wasn’t being very good about talking to him as much as we did in the past. I haven’t had any contact with him in over a week.
I keep going back to last year when he was really feeling sick. I demanded he go to the hospital and threatened to call his mom, his friends, etc. if he didn’t go. He went and his doc told him he’d have died if he didn’t get in when he did. Now, I am thinking that maybe if I’d talked to him last week, I would have realized he needed to see a doc again; he was terrible about doing things like that.
In any case, there is a hole in my world right now and I just needed to talk it out. Like I said, you peeps – you people understand how much we can learn to care for someone online. Truly, none of my friends that don’t go online would understand how I’m feeling – they would think I’m nuts.
Bear with me for a bit. I have a feeling I may be writing about this again one of these days.
Thanks
Peace
posted by DeeJay at 03:48
